I Faked Liking Sparkling Water for 3 Years and Now I’m Trapped

I’m 30 now, but this started when I was around 27, during a phase where I was trying really hard to be one of those “put-together adults” who meal prep, drink sparkling water, and have plants that aren’t just dying slowly in the corner.

So I bought a 12-pack of LaCroix because, you know, that’s what the cool, healthy people were drinking. First sip? It tasted like someone whispered the word “fruit” into a cup of TV static. Absolutely disgusting. But I had already posted it on my Instagram story with the caption: “New addiction lol.”

And that was the beginning of my downfall.

Friends started bringing LaCroix over when they visited. Coworkers stocked it in the office fridge “because I liked it.” My girlfriend (now fiancée) thought it was cute how “into sparkling water” I was, so she bought me a SodaStream for Christmas.

Now I’m in too deep. I’ve become the guy who nods thoughtfully while drinking what is essentially spicy sadness. I have flavors in my fridge with names like “Pamplemousse” and “Limoncello,” and I pretend like I can tell the difference. I can’t. It all tastes like carbonated regret.

Sometimes I just want a normal drink. But if I ever open a Gatorade, someone will say, “Whoa, no LaCroix today?” and I’ll just fake laugh like, “Haha, gotta switch it up!” Meanwhile my soul is quietly screaming.

Anyway, if you’re young and reading this: never lie about your beverages. That stuff will haunt you.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.